Thursday, September 4, 2008
My take on Election 2008 (tm)
Throrror
The new word soon to sweep the English lexicon. It's the emotion created over the course of the last 20 years by a lot of very painful presidential elections.
Throrror
Somewhere between the sense of "Thrill" and "Horror". A little bit of both. It's not really bad. But it's not really good. Actually, it's both horrible and wonderful at the same time.
Throrror
Say it five times. It doesn't exactly roll off the tongue at first, but you get used to it. The uncomfortable pronunciation of it almost perfectly parlays the indefinably uncomfortable feeling brought on by a throrrifying event around the corner. Much like the word "lubrication" or "discombobulated", the sound of the word is almost self-descriptive.
Proposing marriage to your longtime girlfriend - throrrifying.
Going on stage to accept some award and give a shallow acceptance speech - utter throrror!
Being wheeled down the hall on a gurney to the room where they will perform the enema to finally get rid of that bowel obstruction that's been bugging you for 2 weeks - absofuckinglutely throrrifying!!
The moments before the first McCain vs. Obama debate - I'm filled with complete and total throrror.
Let's look at a couple examples of this word that one could envision seeing on the news in the coming months:
The stern and foreboding look on the brow of John McCain as he patiently waited for Barack Obama to once again break the Guinness World Record for the number of instances of saying the word "change" in a 5-minute span for the 3rd time in the last hour instilled a quiet sense of throrror in the millions of television viewers anticipating his incoherently belligerent response.
"Yo, dat shit wuz throrrifying!" exclaimed one guest emerging from the new "Election 2008" themed rollercoaster at Disneyland. "I'm takin' my ass back to that Hummer Tunnel thing, that was much better!" referring to the ride influenced by Bill Clinton's presidency.
The next 64 days until the election will be an utter throrror.
God bless the bottle of tequila sitting in my freezer...
next up: Fun election drinking (and other) games....
Friday, July 25, 2008
I'm in love!!!!
No, it's not with some cute 21 year old techno girl...you can't truly love one of those, at least according to my friend Scott.
Shepherd's Pie
aaaaggggghhhhhhhh
Yesterday was the exact 6-year anniversary of my arrival in Germany. I decided to celebrate by having the most non-German experience which is possible in Leipzig....going to an Irish Pub which is owned & run by a short Irish guy named McCormack, drinking Irish beer and eating a proper Irish (or English, as it may be) meal. On the menu - shepherd's pie. Never had one of those things. It sounds good....ground lamb, mashed potatoes, covered in cheese and baked in an oven. Gee, I might as well try it!
Holy fucking hell on an unsanded fuckstick!! Why did it take me 31.5 years of living on this planet to discover this culinary wonder?
There's no way around it, I'm forever changed.
Shepherd's Pie
aaaaggggghhhhhhhh
Yesterday was the exact 6-year anniversary of my arrival in Germany. I decided to celebrate by having the most non-German experience which is possible in Leipzig....going to an Irish Pub which is owned & run by a short Irish guy named McCormack, drinking Irish beer and eating a proper Irish (or English, as it may be) meal. On the menu - shepherd's pie. Never had one of those things. It sounds good....ground lamb, mashed potatoes, covered in cheese and baked in an oven. Gee, I might as well try it!
Holy fucking hell on an unsanded fuckstick!! Why did it take me 31.5 years of living on this planet to discover this culinary wonder?
There's no way around it, I'm forever changed.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Nasal Love
Having a "nose shower" for the last month and a half, and using it every morning first thing when I wake up and every night before I go to bed has taught me 2 scary things:
1. the unbelievable mass of snot that can build up in your sinuses during 5-7 hours of sleep (I've been able to stop buying peanut butter for my morning toast).
2. the interesting flora of colours that snot can take on during a 5-7 hour gestation period in your sinuses, from the constant evaporation and replenishment of snot, leading to some sort of super-concentrated snot (that fortunately gets washed out in the morning).
OK, I'm being somewhat misleading about #2 - the word "flora" would indicate a number of colors appearing from my nostrils. What gets washed out of my nose is usually some variation of green, off white & yellow.
Everybody should have their own nose shower - it provides so much entertainment (and brekky!) in the morning.
Oh, and a little naming note: The Germans refer to it as "Nasendusche". IE, "Nose Shower". Logical, simple, descriptive. This might seriously be the best German word ever. In fact, it IS the best German word ever. Period. Words like this are why the German language was invented.
In English, it's called....get this...."Nasal Irrigation". Eh? I never saw my nasal cavity as some sort of field that needed to be plowed and irrigated. A day in the life in the nasal farm...
"Hey Pa, we gots us somethin' blockin' the irrigation! I thinks it's a dead armadillo."
"Well Ma, flood it out and let's have us some armadillo chilli tonight!"
"Yeehaw!"
I'll stick with nose shower.
1. the unbelievable mass of snot that can build up in your sinuses during 5-7 hours of sleep (I've been able to stop buying peanut butter for my morning toast).
2. the interesting flora of colours that snot can take on during a 5-7 hour gestation period in your sinuses, from the constant evaporation and replenishment of snot, leading to some sort of super-concentrated snot (that fortunately gets washed out in the morning).
OK, I'm being somewhat misleading about #2 - the word "flora" would indicate a number of colors appearing from my nostrils. What gets washed out of my nose is usually some variation of green, off white & yellow.
Everybody should have their own nose shower - it provides so much entertainment (and brekky!) in the morning.
Oh, and a little naming note: The Germans refer to it as "Nasendusche". IE, "Nose Shower". Logical, simple, descriptive. This might seriously be the best German word ever. In fact, it IS the best German word ever. Period. Words like this are why the German language was invented.
In English, it's called....get this...."Nasal Irrigation". Eh? I never saw my nasal cavity as some sort of field that needed to be plowed and irrigated. A day in the life in the nasal farm...
"Hey Pa, we gots us somethin' blockin' the irrigation! I thinks it's a dead armadillo."
"Well Ma, flood it out and let's have us some armadillo chilli tonight!"
"Yeehaw!"
I'll stick with nose shower.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
footballers...or fecalfeliacs?
An extraordinarily good match deserves praise. On the flipside, an unusually poor match deserves heavy derision for its utter shittiness.
Greece vs. Sweden
The current European champions vs. the country with arguably some of the hottest fans in the world. Both teams had something to play for...or should have.
Holy fucking shit, that was one of the worst matches I've ever seen in my entire goddamn life!! It would have been more pleasurable to have a blind sufferer Tourette Syndrome perform acupuncture on some of those more....er....sensitive areas with rusty nails.
But don't take my word for it! Please allow Alex (yes, he's the one in the middle), my Gay Satanic Hippie football expert to give his careful analysis of the match:
What a horrible game, Greece - Sweden.
I have a theory as to why this game was so horrible. Both teams, Greece and Sweden, usually get by by pooping on teams who are much better then them by disciplined, defensive play. So the other team usually tries to make something happen, and they poop on it, thereby frustrating the other team with the stink and then scoring one or two after corner kicks or free kicks cause they are so fucking tall. After that goal, they really stink up their half of the field by putting 11 people in their own box.
Yesterday, the game was so horrible because two poopers played each other. They just both stood there and pooped on each other. It was a giant Football scat video, two teams and one cup, if you know what I mean... When Greece was playing the ball back and forth for minutes in their own half, they couldn't get anything going cause Sweden made no effort whatsoever to attack them or play any type of pressing. They just stood there with 11 men in their own half and did absolutely nothing. In that situation, Greece just does not have the skills to make something happen, like the real good teams do. They got a big dose of their own medicine, so to speak. In other words, the pooper got pooped upon.
Now, Sweden won because they do have some individual class. As far as I am concerned, Defense, Midfield and goalie kinda evened out, prime time poopers on both sides, but then in the attack you have Ibrahimovic/Larsson vs. Charisteas/Gekas. I think that says it all why Sweden won.
So, to sum it up, while both teams are big time poopers, Sweden actually has real skill up front, and that made the difference yesterday. The first goal was played beautifully by Ibrahimovic of course but also by Larsson, who played the pass.
I couldn't have said it better myself.
Greece vs. Sweden
The current European champions vs. the country with arguably some of the hottest fans in the world. Both teams had something to play for...or should have.
Holy fucking shit, that was one of the worst matches I've ever seen in my entire goddamn life!! It would have been more pleasurable to have a blind sufferer Tourette Syndrome perform acupuncture on some of those more....er....sensitive areas with rusty nails.
But don't take my word for it! Please allow Alex (yes, he's the one in the middle), my Gay Satanic Hippie football expert to give his careful analysis of the match:
What a horrible game, Greece - Sweden.
I have a theory as to why this game was so horrible. Both teams, Greece and Sweden, usually get by by pooping on teams who are much better then them by disciplined, defensive play. So the other team usually tries to make something happen, and they poop on it, thereby frustrating the other team with the stink and then scoring one or two after corner kicks or free kicks cause they are so fucking tall. After that goal, they really stink up their half of the field by putting 11 people in their own box.
Yesterday, the game was so horrible because two poopers played each other. They just both stood there and pooped on each other. It was a giant Football scat video, two teams and one cup, if you know what I mean... When Greece was playing the ball back and forth for minutes in their own half, they couldn't get anything going cause Sweden made no effort whatsoever to attack them or play any type of pressing. They just stood there with 11 men in their own half and did absolutely nothing. In that situation, Greece just does not have the skills to make something happen, like the real good teams do. They got a big dose of their own medicine, so to speak. In other words, the pooper got pooped upon.
Now, Sweden won because they do have some individual class. As far as I am concerned, Defense, Midfield and goalie kinda evened out, prime time poopers on both sides, but then in the attack you have Ibrahimovic/Larsson vs. Charisteas/Gekas. I think that says it all why Sweden won.
So, to sum it up, while both teams are big time poopers, Sweden actually has real skill up front, and that made the difference yesterday. The first goal was played beautifully by Ibrahimovic of course but also by Larsson, who played the pass.
I couldn't have said it better myself.
I'm behind
I wanted to write well thought out previews & analyses of each of the groups competing in the tournament, but life (and lethargy) unfortunately got in the way. I wanted to make some comments about each game that I watched (or moreso the madness surrounding my viewing of each game), but player-by-player, position-by-position, strength & weakness analysis of each of the teams would require some sort of hyper-motivation only available to those who have the magical prescription to the wonderful magical pill known as Adderol (or to Bart Simpson as Focusin).
Alas.
I am not one of the lucky.
Dammit.
(anybody know a good online pharmacy?)
So I find myself mired in a level of lethargy that will only allow me to touch on a few of the high and low points of the various teams. Trust me, these things matter far far more than any level of footballing skill. As good as any team might be, the beauty of football is that a small mistake or moment of genius can create one of those magical moments that changes the flow of an entire game, decide an unexpected winner, or relegate a champion to being a loser.
A visionary pass that no defender could have expected
A slip on the grass while running up to take a penalty
A perfectly placed shot into the upper corner from an angle that nobody would have imagined possible
An instantaneous loss of composure.
A butterfly flaps its wings over antarctica (fuck you, I know there aren't goddamn butterflies in Antarctica, just humor me, dammit!) and Zinedane Zidane plants his head into some Italian guy's chest instead of blowing off an insult. France cries in despair. Italy cries in joy.
(such shitty metaphors are why I'll never be paid for this crap)
Anyways...
I had a point. Yes.
A lack of motivation and time have put me in the unfortunate position of not being able to write a thorough, in-depth analysis of each match and team, but rather simply touch on those points that strike me as those possible butterflies over the antarctic that could, for all we know, affect who will end up losing to Germany in the final.
And of course there will be tales of drunken revelry while watching a game that I just don't fully remember seeing.
Oh, and I'll be occasionally tapping into the literary genius that is the brain of my Gay Satanic Hippie co-hort Alex for his careful and well-thought-out analysis. This guy knows what he's talking about. In fact, I'll do that later today....
Alas.
I am not one of the lucky.
Dammit.
(anybody know a good online pharmacy?)
So I find myself mired in a level of lethargy that will only allow me to touch on a few of the high and low points of the various teams. Trust me, these things matter far far more than any level of footballing skill. As good as any team might be, the beauty of football is that a small mistake or moment of genius can create one of those magical moments that changes the flow of an entire game, decide an unexpected winner, or relegate a champion to being a loser.
A visionary pass that no defender could have expected
A slip on the grass while running up to take a penalty
A perfectly placed shot into the upper corner from an angle that nobody would have imagined possible
An instantaneous loss of composure.
A butterfly flaps its wings over antarctica (fuck you, I know there aren't goddamn butterflies in Antarctica, just humor me, dammit!) and Zinedane Zidane plants his head into some Italian guy's chest instead of blowing off an insult. France cries in despair. Italy cries in joy.
(such shitty metaphors are why I'll never be paid for this crap)
Anyways...
I had a point. Yes.
A lack of motivation and time have put me in the unfortunate position of not being able to write a thorough, in-depth analysis of each match and team, but rather simply touch on those points that strike me as those possible butterflies over the antarctic that could, for all we know, affect who will end up losing to Germany in the final.
And of course there will be tales of drunken revelry while watching a game that I just don't fully remember seeing.
Oh, and I'll be occasionally tapping into the literary genius that is the brain of my Gay Satanic Hippie co-hort Alex for his careful and well-thought-out analysis. This guy knows what he's talking about. In fact, I'll do that later today....
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Holy shit!!!!
Holy Fucking Shit!!!!
The Euro Cup 2008 starts in 3 days! The focus of Bacon & Meth has officially switched for the next 3+ weeks away from the blessed topics of...well....bacon and meth to my random rantings and feelings about this wondrous event.
Most posts will be in complete insult of all teams that are not Germany (although Russia is pretty cool), or in utter praise to the might and grandeur of the Deutsche Nationalmannschaft.
In short - Germany will win. All other teams (except for Russia) suck or are worthy of mocking. Some teams, I'll have momentary sympathy for...sort of like the sympathy you have for that unidentifiable piece of roadkill you see on the side of the road while driving down the highway. Russia is cool just because they are Russian.
Maybe this means there will be more than one post per....well, one post period.
If anything I write offends you, you are welcome to blow me.
The Euro Cup 2008 starts in 3 days! The focus of Bacon & Meth has officially switched for the next 3+ weeks away from the blessed topics of...well....bacon and meth to my random rantings and feelings about this wondrous event.
Most posts will be in complete insult of all teams that are not Germany (although Russia is pretty cool), or in utter praise to the might and grandeur of the Deutsche Nationalmannschaft.
In short - Germany will win. All other teams (except for Russia) suck or are worthy of mocking. Some teams, I'll have momentary sympathy for...sort of like the sympathy you have for that unidentifiable piece of roadkill you see on the side of the road while driving down the highway. Russia is cool just because they are Russian.
Maybe this means there will be more than one post per....well, one post period.
If anything I write offends you, you are welcome to blow me.
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